Is it possible to feel angry, upset, calm and mellow all at
the same time? You know the kind of mood swings that you can’t make head nor
tails of, and you can’t balance them out against each other? Where one part of
your brain makes you feel like crying, but you can’t because the other part is
too calm and collected. I feel like a schizophrenic tonight, arguing with
myself in my head, one voice saying ‘get a grip and stay calm’, while the other
is saying ‘fuck you, I want to cry and I will!’ I feel totally lost. This is
something totally new to me. I’ve felt all those emotions on a regular basis,
sometimes two at once, but never four in one go. And I’m at a loss as to how I can
try to get myself back on level ground.
I spend a couple of minutes getting wound up but not able to
get pent up enough to get the aggression out so as quick as it rises, it goes
away. As it climbs and builds, there’s something pushing it back down. Kind of
like a fire, trying to rise up from my feet but someone’s stood at my head, dropping
small bits of water on top to put the flames out.
I don’t want this to come across as dramatic. It’s not a
life or death situation and it’s not going to stop me from getting on with my
day, but when my body stops, my brain starts working, and as an insomniac
already, I’m sure I’m in for a couple of rough nights. I’m questioning myself
and my actions, I have so many unanswered questions I need from someone who I haven’t
spoken to in years and it’s all playing on a loop in my head. But it’s fine
because while it’s making me feel all topsy turvy, the main feeling inside of
me that stands out from all the rest is courage and that over rides it all. The
issue making me feel like this is one that has been buried in the back of me
for nearly 26 years. And I think I’m finally ready to face my past and my
demons.
I’m not going to go into an explanation just now as it’s a
rather scarring thing and 26 years later, a bit part of me still feels that
pain. I may open up to others one day, either personally to my friends or on
here but until I have dealt with it myself and closed the door on that part of
my life, I’m not ready to try to explain to random strangers or friends just
yet.
My councillor once told me though that I should write an
autobiography, apparently my life has been quiet complicated and I did and went
through more in my first 16 years on this planet, than the average person would
go through in 40 years. Apparently it would be a riveting read, and is an
avenue I’d definitely like to explore when I’m a little older and have matured
enough to explain myself better than I can right now. I’ve always struggled to
voice my thoughts and feelings. Whether that is getting them out vocally, where
I stutter and stumble, going around the houses to try to get to the point I’m
originally trying to make. I struggle more with speaking because it’s like all
my thoughts are so jumbled in my head, that it’s hard to piece them together
into a sentence. Spilling it onto paper has always been easier for me, but I’m
still learning. Instead of ranting and posting straight away, which means my
writing can come across as quite volatile and aggressive to the reader, I am
learning how to take my time to read read and re write when I’ve calmed down
slightly. I’m still finding myself and
have got some growing up to do. But each day I’m finding it easier and easier
to express myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment