...... and breath!!

Do you ever have that feeling where you can be surrounded by people so much that it makes you want to scream for space, but at the same time you have never felt more alone in your life? That’s me right now. I feel so lost and scared. I don’t how how I’m supposed to be feeling or how to get past it and move on. I’ve opened a can of worms on something I’m obviously not ready to deal with just yet. Add that on top of all the other issues going on in my life and it shows why I’m so overwhelmed and on edge.

The last 3 months, since I gave up the cigs, I’ve had nothing but one illness after another … bad shit, to the point I haven’t functioned properly in months. I haven’t been able to train cos of pain etc and getting my arse to work has been a task in itself, never mind everything else.

This course I was so determined to do at the start of the year, is finally here and I’m now unsure and confused. How can I train to be a fitness instructor when I haven’t stepped foot in a gym or done any cardio in 3 months because of illness?? How can I train people in something I can’t physically do myself?

Everything to do with starting the course has been one hassle after another. I sort out one issue, then another crops up, blocking the road and stopping me moving forward until that one is resolved, then lo and behold another one crops up. Same with my illnesses. I have anti bitotics, take the necessary measures to get better, then, as I start thinking ‘great I’m getting better’, something else hits me and knocks me on my arse!

Then … being the dickhead that I am … decided to contact my birth mother! Some fucking idiotic side of my brain decided that now was a good time to open that particular can of worms, when in reality it was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done. Do you know how shit it is when you realise how much you’re unwanted and uncared for? When you realise that you don’t belong anywhere, you never have and you never will?

 

At the moment I feel like screaming and running away. Every day is a hassle and I can’t keep putting a face on through the physical pain and emotional pain when all I want to do is curl up in a corner somewhere and cry. I’m feeling very very sorry for myself and unable to pull myself back up again. Why is it so difficult at the moment? Why do the arseholes of the world have everything dropped into their laps, but I have to fight tooth and nail for every little thing in my life!? Why can’t I leave the past where it is and not care about someone who clearly never gave a shit about me? What do I do with studying for a course to train for something I’m not sure I can do? I just don’t know! L