Realisation ...

 One day everyone will see you for the cunt you really are!! I blame you for this! For all of this! For making me question myself on every aspect of my life! For making me bracket myself alongside your shitty mistakes! For isolating myself and tearing apart everyone I love and care about! I might not be the best mum in the world, I might not be the best girlfriend or friend. But I CARE!! 

That’s the biggest difference between you and me! I care about the people close to me! I genuinely have love and respect for others. I might not love myself (in fact I have so much hatred and anger inside me it’s scary), but all that matters to me is the people I love. I would do anything for them. I’ve spent my whole life being terrified of being like you, of turning into you, but I’ve finally realised that’ll never happen!

 I'm a stronger, bigger, badder BITCH than you ever were or ever will be!! And it's that, that will get me through this and get me the things I deserve out of life. And when I do, I'll be sure to give you the biggest middle finger! I don’t give up at the first hurdle and spend my life not giving a shit about failing! Failing is not an option to me!! I hate you with a passion and want nothing to do with you ever again. I don't care anymore, I don't need or want your answers! I don’t want or need your approval! You’re dead to me!

 

^^^^  Soooo … that’s what I wrote earlier after getting myself all worked up. And while I’d love to feel like that, I’d give anything to feel like that, I can’t right now! There’s that little girl inside me who’s crying out for some answers and some sign that she’s not a complete waste of space and isn’t worth a moment of your time. I will get to feel strong and not give a shit about you, but, as usual, I'll stay strong for years on end, then crack again and go through this whole charade again. Until it’s dealt with for good, there’s not going to be a break out from this circle. It’s just gonna keep coming back to haunt me. And that’s not good. But it can't be dealt with while you chose to blank me from your life.

...... and breath!!

Do you ever have that feeling where you can be surrounded by people so much that it makes you want to scream for space, but at the same time you have never felt more alone in your life? That’s me right now. I feel so lost and scared. I don’t how how I’m supposed to be feeling or how to get past it and move on. I’ve opened a can of worms on something I’m obviously not ready to deal with just yet. Add that on top of all the other issues going on in my life and it shows why I’m so overwhelmed and on edge.

The last 3 months, since I gave up the cigs, I’ve had nothing but one illness after another … bad shit, to the point I haven’t functioned properly in months. I haven’t been able to train cos of pain etc and getting my arse to work has been a task in itself, never mind everything else.

This course I was so determined to do at the start of the year, is finally here and I’m now unsure and confused. How can I train to be a fitness instructor when I haven’t stepped foot in a gym or done any cardio in 3 months because of illness?? How can I train people in something I can’t physically do myself?

Everything to do with starting the course has been one hassle after another. I sort out one issue, then another crops up, blocking the road and stopping me moving forward until that one is resolved, then lo and behold another one crops up. Same with my illnesses. I have anti bitotics, take the necessary measures to get better, then, as I start thinking ‘great I’m getting better’, something else hits me and knocks me on my arse!

Then … being the dickhead that I am … decided to contact my birth mother! Some fucking idiotic side of my brain decided that now was a good time to open that particular can of worms, when in reality it was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done. Do you know how shit it is when you realise how much you’re unwanted and uncared for? When you realise that you don’t belong anywhere, you never have and you never will?

 

At the moment I feel like screaming and running away. Every day is a hassle and I can’t keep putting a face on through the physical pain and emotional pain when all I want to do is curl up in a corner somewhere and cry. I’m feeling very very sorry for myself and unable to pull myself back up again. Why is it so difficult at the moment? Why do the arseholes of the world have everything dropped into their laps, but I have to fight tooth and nail for every little thing in my life!? Why can’t I leave the past where it is and not care about someone who clearly never gave a shit about me? What do I do with studying for a course to train for something I’m not sure I can do? I just don’t know! L

Riding that emotional roller coaster called life

Is it possible to feel angry, upset, calm and mellow all at the same time? You know the kind of mood swings that you can’t make head nor tails of, and you can’t balance them out against each other? Where one part of your brain makes you feel like crying, but you can’t because the other part is too calm and collected. I feel like a schizophrenic tonight, arguing with myself in my head, one voice saying ‘get a grip and stay calm’, while the other is saying ‘fuck you, I want to cry and I will!’ I feel totally lost. This is something totally new to me. I’ve felt all those emotions on a regular basis, sometimes two at once, but never four in one go. And I’m at a loss as to how I can try to get myself back on level ground.

I spend a couple of minutes getting wound up but not able to get pent up enough to get the aggression out so as quick as it rises, it goes away. As it climbs and builds, there’s something pushing it back down. Kind of like a fire, trying to rise up from my feet but someone’s stood at my head, dropping small bits of water on top to put the flames out.

I don’t want this to come across as dramatic. It’s not a life or death situation and it’s not going to stop me from getting on with my day, but when my body stops, my brain starts working, and as an insomniac already, I’m sure I’m in for a couple of rough nights. I’m questioning myself and my actions, I have so many unanswered questions I need from someone who I haven’t spoken to in years and it’s all playing on a loop in my head. But it’s fine because while it’s making me feel all topsy turvy, the main feeling inside of me that stands out from all the rest is courage and that over rides it all. The issue making me feel like this is one that has been buried in the back of me for nearly 26 years. And I think I’m finally ready to face my past and my demons.

I’m not going to go into an explanation just now as it’s a rather scarring thing and 26 years later, a bit part of me still feels that pain. I may open up to others one day, either personally to my friends or on here but until I have dealt with it myself and closed the door on that part of my life, I’m not ready to try to explain to random strangers or friends just yet.

My councillor once told me though that I should write an autobiography, apparently my life has been quiet complicated and I did and went through more in my first 16 years on this planet, than the average person would go through in 40 years. Apparently it would be a riveting read, and is an avenue I’d definitely like to explore when I’m a little older and have matured enough to explain myself better than I can right now. I’ve always struggled to voice my thoughts and feelings. Whether that is getting them out vocally, where I stutter and stumble, going around the houses to try to get to the point I’m originally trying to make. I struggle more with speaking because it’s like all my thoughts are so jumbled in my head, that it’s hard to piece them together into a sentence. Spilling it onto paper has always been easier for me, but I’m still learning. Instead of ranting and posting straight away, which means my writing can come across as quite volatile and aggressive to the reader, I am learning how to take my time to read read and re write when I’ve calmed down slightly.  I’m still finding myself and have got some growing up to do. But each day I’m finding it easier and easier to express myself. 

I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar!

The last few months have been eventful to say the least. 2 months of illness, dodgy cartilidge around my knee, and general crappiness from chucking the cigarettes. I've been stopped smoking now 9 weeks today and have suffered the usual crap that comes with chucking an addiction, as well as gaining a stone. As a trainee fitness instructor, that's really not what I want to happen. Two months taken out of training because of it all has damn near killed me! I've been so low, miserable and slightly depressed at the whole situation. My biggest stress relief was to go smash it out in Tai class or spin class then have a nice cigarette afterwards but when you take away the two main releases, understandably I've been a wee bit on edge.

Add to all that the stress I've had over whether I can get on my sports course or if it will clash with my work shifts and finding a placement, its all been a right kerfuffle! But then all of a sudden in the space of a week, it all comes neatly together, ... been referred for an MRI scan on my knee, think my nicotine withdrawls have finally gone, and the course has slotted perfectly around my work ... so now I feel like I can breath!

And I feel like I'm coming back up, crawling my way back to the top! I was the girl who spent 4 hours a day doing weights and cardio, and I WILL get back to that! If you love and want something enough, you can achieve it. To celebrate things looking up, my best friend Steve took me out for a drive up the coast today. We had a lovely lunch and a nice walk around the arcades and shops and just generally chilled out.

This was the view from the café , absolutely stunning!

 

This one is just around the side of the café.

 

There's just something about water that, no matter how angry or frustrated I am, can always make me feel calm and relaxed. I could quiet happily have sat on one of those board walks for hours today, just lost in my own thoughts, oblivious to the world around me. The sound of the water lapping against the edge, the glistening in the sun, or waves crashing against the wall when its cold and raining, it is one of my favourite places to be in the world.

 

So no rant from me this evening. I have the fire back in my belly, feeling confident, haven't come across any dickheads in the last 12 hours, and feeling rather chilled. Surely I'll be back pretty soon though with another rant lol. In the mean time, be like the tiger and let everyone hear you roar!!

 

ref:Katy Perry

 

 

 

 

So funny

So I have no idea who wrote this, I saw it on Facebook and thought it was awesome! Kudos to whoever wrote it because you nailed those stereotypes!
And FYI I'm definitely the last one! ;)

I hate school. I'm 37 years old but have to go to school twice a day to take/collect my children. The playground contains my two least favourite things in the world en masse; parents and other people's children. Parents are like packs of animals but with much less personality. They stand in groups chatting inanely about Centre Parks, whilst other parents pretend to listen but really they just wait for them to stop talking so they can top-trump the story with tales of a five-star, all-inclusive where Jemima swam with dolphins and Tarquin broke the world record for being the best he could be at absolutely everything ever!

To give you an idea of the horrors of the place I have compiled the following list of the cliques that congregate daily on their regular spots and highlight the qualities that secure their position in said clique. If you don't hate parents now, you will do when you've read this...

The Gobs on Legs
These are the parents who have no shame in stubbing their cigarettes out on the school gate and wander around in their slippers and screaming at their children for no apparent reason. Always overheard talking about having chicken nuggets for tea (every day) and are oblivious to the fact that the word 'fuck' isn't commonly used in the presence of minors. Everyone knows their kids' names (Kayden, Jaden and Binladen) because a) They're screamed at the top of their lungs every five seconds and they're tattooed on the back of the parents' necks.

The 4x4s 
These parents pull up on the double yellows in their massive cars, kick the kids out of the car, drive off and leave their kids to wait in the playground alone and wet (if it's raining).

The Wet Ones 
It's hard to tell whether they've just put a coat on over their nighties or dressed that way intentionally. They're the 'free spirited' parents who do everything, including speaking at a snail's pace, act a bit stoned and rather than discipline their children they ask them "why did you feel the need to do that?". Also, when their kids are mercilessly kicking the shit out of the reception kids, they shout "time-out" instead of slapping them across the head and threatening to cancel Christmas like a normal parent.

The Paris Hiltmums
These flashy mutton mothers turn up in the playground at 8.30am, as if they've fallen from the set of some vacuous staged reality show, dressed for a nightclub, fake tanned to buggery with a pair of huge sunglasses on and a small, yappy dog under their boney arms. The Hiltmums are always the first to don a maxi-dress at the first sniff of sunshine and the first to streak like chocolate on a profiterole when it rains.

The Unstables
The parents nobody wants to stand too close to because they end up indiscreetly telling you how they got their flakey skin condition and refer to you as if you are of a similar ilk. They generally carry the aroma of a fusty caravan or a cupboard under the stairs and their unruly children have the power to make them cry in an instant and so can yours, so be careful. If they're kind enough to offer you a bon bon, it'll probably be a few years old and covered in pocket fluff so just say no! 

The Bitches
They volunteer to help out at every event but stand there with their arms folded, bitching quietly and looking everyone up and down. These 'bitches' incidentally, were exactly the same when they were at school, and their daughters are exactly the same as them. The deluded mums generally have the same wardrobe as their daughters and even attend the same after-school zumba class. These mother/daughter duos are often mistaken for sisters by people who are either totally blind or completely taking the piss.

The God Botherers
Ready to turn any occasion into a full on worship session. These Bible bashers will invite you to a seemingly innocent coffee morning and suddenly whip out the tambourines, throw holy water in your face and force you to repent for all past conduct before getting you to sign a piece of paper that you are led to believe confirms your place at a teddy bears' picnic, but in fact ensures you are now permanently committed to a life of worship FOREVER and ever, amen! 

The Suits
Most likely work flexi-time at the local authority and buy all of their clothes and furniture from Next. They don't speak much and when they do it's about their job. Often seen wearing a photo card around their neck and often married to someone who also works in the same department at the local authority. Their favourite colour is beige and both parents are unnaturally passionate about demonstrating that.

The Oldies
You never know whether these are the child's parents or grandparents but they're a lot older than the average parent and they all stand together probably talking about jam recipes, the war or free bus journeys. 

The Dads
These turn up in suits or in casual sports-wear. They stand together straight backed and arms folded across their puffed out chests, afraid that if they relax at all, their masculinity will be compromised and they'll be mistaken for a dinner lady. 

The Breeders
More than likely to be stood with a double buggy and a variety of multicoloured stains down their tops. The genders of their several children cannot be defined as they have never had a haircut. They're often late to school and are the least sociable of the species. Can often be spotted standing alone and laughing or crying maniacally. 

The CBAs
They live less than 50m away but drive to the school and sit in the car and check their Facebook accounts on their smartphones, while the kid sits in the passenger seats waiting for the bell to ring. The bell rings, the car door opens and the mum updates her status with something like this... "Kids! Who'd have them? Now what to do today?" 

Guardians of the Threshold 
Similar in personality to the 'gobs on legs'. There are also parents who manage to avoid the threshold of the playground altogether, these are often heavy-smokers who turn up at the gates with a couple of vicious looking cross-bred dogs. They are frowned upon by all, but left well alone and give everyone in the playground some tasty subject matter other than the achievements of their own children, Ofsted and the quality of the tarmac they're expected to stand on for 10 minutes either side of the day.

The Peripherals
These individuals have no desire to commit to any of the above groups. These are the quiet observers. They gather in pairs, not packs, make quiet observations on the behavioral patterns of others and write mildly amusing blog posts about them.

Total lack of respect!

The biggest thing that has been getting on my nerves just lately is the absolute lack of respect from people these days regarding noise! It’s summer! Which means people tend to have their windows open all night. And while I expect the regular traffic noise that comes with living on a main road, what I don’t expect is the absolute moronic gob shites that seem to spend the nights wandering the street making it their mission to talk and shout as loud as they can! Now, I’ve already mentioned that I’m a complete insomniac and struggle to sleep at the best of times so when I’ve had 6 weeks or so of every single night, 2 am/3am/4am, some arseholes waking me up, you can understand why I might be getting extremely fucked off! To the point, my partner and I are looking for another house and I’ve specifically told him that I no longer want to live on an estate! I want to be on the outskirts of the city. No don’t get me wrong, I grew up on this estate, I know my roots but the amount of twats round here these days is getting too high to ignore!

Its 6am and I’m up writing this after been woken up again twice by the same group of arsewipes! Once on their way to wherever they were going (presumably not on their way to an actual job!) and again on their way back 15 minutes later, to the point I may have stuck my half naked self out the window and screamed at them to ‘shut up for fucks sake!’ Now, I’m not sure if it was my abruptness and don’t mess with me attitude or my naked tits swinging out the window that scared them, but they shut up and fucked off so mission accomplished!

Anyway it’s still early so I’m off back to try to salvage some kip since it’s a Saturday and I work Friday nights til late, I'm exhausted.

People of North Hull just please learn to be a bit more respectful when walking the streets late on a night/early in a morning, or god forbid I find out where you live. Because I’ll quiet happily spend the evening outside your garden with a bunch of cats, a stereo system and my Janice from friends laugh!

JUST STFU! 

Do you deserve the title 'Dad'? i think not!

So I work in a takeaway and obviously we have a couple of delivery drivers who work for us. One of who is a middle aged, overweight, rather unattractive guy. This guy, has just come out with the classic statement ... “I have ten kids, but that's nowt. My mate has 37 kids!"

Nowt to be proud of you absolute fuck nut!!! 

Because first off, All those kids definitely won’t be getting the time and attention they require of a full time dad and second, who the fuck is paying for their upbringing?? Because I bet it won’t be you on your minimum wage delivery driver salary now will it??

Things like this grate on my last nerve so sodding much it’s unreal! Its men like this that give the few good ones a bad name! Men like this who drain the economy and fuck society! Going around dipping their wick wherever it suits them and leaving the consequences of their actions with a part time dad and a mum, who 9/10, will use the government to fund the childs upbringing because the father either can’t or won’t!

And I’m not just getting on at men here. Women are just as bad! My own birth mother for example … 5 kids to 4 different men! And she ain’t ever provided for 3 of us, just palmed us off on the government and expected someone else to pick up the slack! (which my adoptive parents did amazingly well by the way! So grateful for them). My son’s so called ‘father’ … 4 kids to 3 different women! And he only provides partially for 3 (not mine by the way!)

Why on earth do people, in this day and age not use protection?! If you’re not willing to raise a child .. don’t make one!  It really is that simple!

Then you get these people moaning about the new bedroom tax … ‘oh but I have 4 kids in a 2 bedroom house and the COUNCIL won’t rehome us’ … excuse me if I’m wrong, but it’s not the councils problem to rehome you! Me and my partner work hard to provide for our children, as do many of my friends and family, and if we want more children, we’ll wait until we finally secure enough to either rent privately or buy our own home. We don’t just keep popping out kids and expecting other people to deal with it!

One case of a local woman with 11 kids, who’s constantly complaining that her TWO houses (yes … TWO!) aren’t big enough for her brood and DEMANDS that the council do more, springs to mind. But the less said about that the better, cos if I get onto that topic I’ll be here til Easter!

So to sum it up … having tons of kids is nothing to be proud of unless you can say

Yes … I provide financially/physically/mentally for them

Yes … I am able to spend time with them

Yes … I will work and raise my kids to have a strong sense of responsibility

Then you can just go and fuck yourself!!

Thank you!